crazy

something i’ve found out recently, is just how crazy it is that you can be in a place where you feel like you’re completely drowning and you’ll never be okay again and then a month later, you have almost forgotten about it. — almost. 

it’s still there in the back of your mind when you don’t really want it to be, but you don’t think about it at all hours of the day like you once did. and you feel close to being whole again.

they (whoever “they” are,) say that time heals most anything. sure enough, they are pretty spot-on. i know one-hundred percent that i couldn’t feel okay after any sort of heartbreak, sadness, disappointment, etc. without the firm embrace of Jesus reassuring me that all is well. 

looking at so-called “negative” situations with the perspective that they aren’t the way you see them— they are the way that Jesus intended them to be is the key for me. *** quick tangent :: something so dangerous that i am so guilty of, is planning. planning is good to an extent, but when you have your entire life mapped out down to a tee for the next five years and then one little thing in your “perfect plan” goes awry, it feels like the entire world might possibly be ending. a genuine word of promise to those who feel that they are in any sort of horrific, heart-wrenching situation :: it is for your good. it may seem like the last thing you want to hear—or want to believe—but no plan of your own is truly the plan set forth for your life. 

if you determine, say, particular milestones for your career, where you will live after college, who you will marry, when you will marry them, your first daughter’s name (Cameron) and your second daughter’s name (Lola) and the breeds of your future cats, (Bengal, Calico, Tabby) and the particular wash of hardwood floor (white; and exposed brick walls, please) that will be in your [Portland, Oregon] apartment your third year of college — it will be a rude awakening when you :

  1. don’t marry that person you thought you’d be with forever.
  2. do marry that person, but months or years earlier or later than the time you planned in your head.
  3. you have triplet boys.
  4. your husband is allergic to cats.
  5. your floors are carpeted; you have dry-wall walls. 
  6. your job takes you clear to the East Coast post-college.

humor aside, the point is that everything can change. so quickly. when you never see it coming. but it is good, always. it might hurt at first, but it is always good. ***

so anyway, in the midst of a brief “where did i go wrong? / what could i have done to change the outcome?” moment the other day, i opened up my laptop, (i have this app from the Mac App Store if you want to get it too — called “Desktop Verse” that refreshes a bible verse each day) and as i was worrying my little heart away, the verse that popped up said, ““For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeramiah 29:11). so of course i was like, yeah, all right. i see you jesus. great timing. (His timing is always perfect, isn’t it?) and with that, i stopped worrying & remembered that the way i had wanted something to be clearly wasn’t the way that Jesus had wanted it to be, so it wasn’t. quite simple, really.

all that being said, through this time of trusting God’s plan for me, it has allowed me to take a step back and realize why exactly what i had wanted didn’t pan out. there were lots of little factors and reasons that i swept aside before because i was too blind to them because i was far too close to them. a large conflict of interest, you could say. 

i am so glad that He allows such big changes in our lives. we may not think them to be helpful, necessary, or pleasant, but they alwaysalways are.

so if you feel like you’re drowning and like nothing makes sense and wondering why did this have to happen to me?  just know that you aren’t enduring it alone. God’s pulling you through clear to the other side, teaching you lessons along the way. & you’ve got this.

xoxo